Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
