Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
