rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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