You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
