About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
