Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
