I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
They are going to name an STD after you.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
Randomize
