What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Randomize
