my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
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