everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
