So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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