I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
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