She said her name was "party"
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You're breaking my sexual little heart
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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