You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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