oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
