Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
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