OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
All I want is dick and wine.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
