I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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