He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Randomize
