you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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