I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm like, not good at living.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
