my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
