i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
