the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
