plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
I keep looking at his nude pics and crying because ill never see it in person again.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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