Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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