She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
I am spending my child support on dildos
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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