I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Randomize
