Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
