cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
So much rum. So many feels.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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