My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
