Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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