I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize
