Yo dont text me then not text me
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
