I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My butt remains clenched, sir.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
