I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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