I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
