there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
