Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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