I can't breathe out the right side of my face
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
MIDGETS
????
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
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