It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
