the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Drake has all the answers
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
