Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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