i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Randomize
