I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
We smell like vodka and hangover
4 of us. Guys and girls. Were sitting there discussing the passed out half naked Brit girl on the floor. She is no longer the international woman of mystery.
Randomize
