i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
