where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
