Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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