We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
