Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
